The Writing Style of Hemingway

For Whom the Bell Tolls portrays the typical Hemingway characters and addresses the issues of machoism and womanizing. In this novel, as in many of his other works, Hemingway employs extensive use of what is known as the Hemingway Code. Numerous influences from various people and events from his personal life also had an effect on his writing.

Many people hold the opinion that there has been no American writer like Ernest Hemingway. A member of the World War I "lost generation," Hemingway was in many ways his own best character. Whether as his childhood nickname of "Champ" or as the older "Papa," Ernest Hemingway became a legend of his own lifetime. Although the drama and romance of his life sometimes seem to overshadow the quality of his work, Hemingway was first and foremost a literary scholar, a writer and reader of books. This is often overlooked among all the talk about his safaris and hunting trips, adventures with bullfighting, fishing and war. Hemingway enjoyed being famous, and delighted in playing for the public spotlight. However, Hemingway considered himself an artist, and he did not want to become celebrated for all the wrong reasons.

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Hemingway was born in the quiet town of Oak Park, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago, on July 21, 1899. His father was a physician, and Ernest was the second of six children born to Dr. and Mrs. Clarence E. Hemingway. His mother, a devout, religious woman with considerable music talent, hoped that her son would develop an interest in music. Instead, Ernest acquired his father's enthusiasm for guns and for fishing trips in the north woods of Michigan (Lynn 63).

The Writing Style of Hemingway

From almost the beginning of his writing career, Hemingway employed a distinctive style which drew comment from many critics. Hemingway does not give way to lengthy geographical and psychological description. His style has been said to lack substance because he avoids direct statements and descriptions of emotion. Basically his style is simple, direct and somewhat plain. He developed a forceful prose style characterized by simple sentences and few adverbs or adjectives. He wrote concise, vivid dialogue and exact description of places and things. Critic Harry Levin pointed out the weakness of syntax and diction in Hemingway's writing, but was quick to praise his ability to convey action(Rovit 47).

Hemingway spent the early part of his career as a journalist. In 1937, he went to Spain to cover the Spanish Civil War for the North American Newspaper Alliance. After a few months in Spain, Hemingway announced his plan to write a book with the Spanish Civil War as its background. The result was For Whom the Bell Tolls.

The majority of his early novels were narrated in the first person and enclosed within a single point of view, however, when Hemingway wrote For Whom the Bell Tolls, he used several different narrative techniques. He employed the use of internal monologues(where the reader is in the "mind" of a particular character), objective descriptions, rapid shifts of point of view, and in general a looser structure than in his earlier works. Hemingway believed that "a writer's style should be direct and personal, his imagery rich and earthy, and his words simple and vigorous. The greatest writers have the gift of brevity, are hard workers, diligent scholars and competent stylists(Magill 1287).

For Whom the Bell Tolls is the most serious and politically motivated novel that Hemingway wrote. There are few comic or light episodes in the entire book. For Whom the Bell Tolls is an attempt to present in depth a country and people that Hemingway loved very much. It was an effort to deal honestly with a very complex war made even more complex by the beliefs it inspired(Gurko 127).

Common to almost all of Hemingway's novels is the concept of the Hemingway hero, sometimes known as the "code hero." When Hemingway's novels were first published, the public readily accepted them. Part of this acceptance was due to the fact that Hemingway had created a character whose response to life appealed strongly to those who read his works. The reader saw in the Hemingway hero a person whom they could identify with in almost a dream sense. The Hemmingway hero was a man's man. He moved from one love affair to another, he participated in wild game hunting, enjoyed bullfights, drank insatiably, he was involved in all of the so-called manly activities in which the typical American male did not participate(Rovit 56).

Hemingway's involvement in the war instilled him with deep-seated political views. For Whom the Bell Tolls is a study of the individual involved in what was a politically motivated war. But this novel differs greatly from Hemingway's prior portrayal of the individual hero in the world. In this book, the hero accepts the people around him, not only a few select members of the distinguished, but with the whole community. The organization of this community is stated with great eloquence in the quotation from one of the poet John Donne's sermons upon the death of a close friend. This is the quotation from which the book takes its title:

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe, every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine, if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for I thee.

Therefore, while the hero retains the qualities of the Hemingway Code, he has been built up by his unity with mankind. In the end, he finds the world a "fine place," that is "worth fighting for"(Curly 795). In his personal confrontation with death, Robert Jordan realizes that there is a larger cause that a man can chose to serve. In this way he differs from the earlier Hemingway hero. The insistence that action and its form be solely placed on one individual is still present, along with the need for the character to dominate that action. However, this issue is not longer a single matador against a single bull, or an individual character against his entire environment. The person is the "instrument of mankind" against the horrors of war. The political issues of this book are therefore presented not as a "contrast of black and white, but in the shaded tones of reality"(Magill 491).

While Jordan is the epitome of the hero in his actions, he is also in command of himself and his circumstances to a far greater extent than Hemingway's previous heroes; he is driven to face reality by deep emotional needs. Jordan's drives in the novel seem to be a direct reflection of Hemingway's own, because Hemingway had also been deeply affected by the suicide of his own father (Kunitz 561). Ironically, suicide as an escape from reality is a violation of Hemingway's own code. The self-doubt and fear that such an act brings to the children of a person who commits suicide is a well-known psychological outcome. This is perhaps why the painfulness of their fears causes Hemingway's heroes to avoid "thinking" at all costs. For "thinking" too much may prevent a person from reacting. And without something to react to, the hero is left to face his inner fears (Magill 474). Death is also used by Hemingway at the end of the novel to resolve the dramatic conflicts established by the story. The theme of death is likewise observable in other parts of the book, such as when the characters express their concern about dying during the attack on the bridge. As in other works following the suicide of his father, Hemingway brings his characters face to face with death. He admires those who face death bravely and without expressing emotion. For Hemingway, a man does not truly live life until analyzes the significance of death personally(Brooks 323).

In contrast to the Hemingway heroes are his female characters. Hemingway's approach to women in his works is particularly masculine. They are seen and valued in relation to the men in his stories insofar as they are absolutely feminine. Hemingway does not go into their inner world except as this world is related to the men with whom they are involved. The reader comes to view them as love objects or as anti-love figures (Whitlock 231). Part of the reason Hemingway had this opinion of woman was because the way he viewed his mother. He believed his mother to be a manipulator and blamed her in part for the suicide of his father. "The qualities he thought admirable in a man-ambition, and independent point of view, defiance of his supremacy-became threatening in a woman"(Kert 103).

Hemingway's heroines almost always personify the physical appearance of the ideal woman in their beauty. But in their personality they appear as two types: the "all-woman" who gives herself entirely to the hero and the "femme fatale" who retains herself and prevents the hero from possessing her completely. The "all-woman" is acceptable in Hemingway view because she submits to the hero. She wants no other life than with him. By succumbing to the hero, she allows him to dominate her and affirm his manhood. The "femme fatale" is usually a more complex character than the "all-woman" (Lynn 98). While she may or may not be nasty, she does not submit to the hero and wounds him and all the men around her primarily because they can not manage her and thus can not assert their manhood through her. But despite Hemmingway's portrayal of women, he usually has them fall into the same basic category as the men. The heroine, like the hero, obeys the "Hemmingway Code." She sees life for what it is even as she longs for something more. She is basically courageous in life, choosing reality over thought, and she faces death stoically. In practically every case there has already been in her life some tragic event-the loss of a lover, violence-which has given her the strength to face life this way (Lynn 102).

For Whom the Bell Tolls "is a living example of how, in modern times, the epic quality must be projected" (Baker 132). Heroic action is an epic quality, and For Whom the Bell Tolls contains this element. The setting is simple and the emphasis is on the basic virtues of uncomplicated people. The men are engaged in the conflict are prepared to sacrifice their lives; they are exceptional for their deeds of daring and heroism (Baker 94).

Behind the conception of this idea of the hero lies the disillusionment of the American public, the disillusionment that was brought about by the First World War. The impressionable man came to realize that the old ideas and beliefs rooted in religion and ethics had not helped to save man the catastrophe of World War I. As a result, after the war came to an end, Hemingway and other writers began to look for a new system of values, a system of values that would replace the old attitudes which they thought proved to be useless. The writers who adopted these new beliefs came to be known as the "lost generation."

The "lost generation," was a name instituted by Gertrude Stein and it signified the postwar generation and the literary movement produced by the young writers of the time (Unger 654). Their writing reflected their belief that "the only reality was that life is harsh" (Bryfonski 1874).

A great deal has been written about Ernest Hemingway's distinctive style. Ever since he began writing in the 1920's, he has been the subject of lavish praise and sometimes savage criticism. He has not been ignored.

To explain Hemingway's style in a few paragraphs in such a manner as to satisfy those who have read his articles and books is almost impossible. It is a simple style, straight forward and modest. Hemingway's prose is unadorned as a result of his abstaining from using adjectives as much as possible. He relates a story in the form of straight journalism, but because he is a master of transmitting emotion with out embellishing it, the product is even more enjoyable.

The Writing Style of Hemingway

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Fact to Fiction: The Brutal Truth about the Practice of Stoning

“Like humans void of soul or mind, they jeered and yelled as they went about selecting their most jagged stones.” – David Hearne, excerpt from Hulagu's Web.

Stoning is a brutal and outdated practice that is kept alive only by Muslims under Sharia rule. Although it has been practiced since biblical times, every other culture has systematically ceased the practice in favor of more humane forms of punishment. The torturous sentence leaves the victim in agony. David Hearne, in his book Hulagu's Web, shows us how painful it can be. “Terror ripped through her mind…then suddenly the first stone smashed into her…” (Hulagu's Web, 64) The only solitude the punished has is that they will soon die.

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Stoning is typically a punishment for adultery, although it can also be use for cases of incest and other sexual or “moral” crimes. Typically, a stoning victim is first wrapped in cloth and buried up to the waist for men, or up to the chest for females. Then the crowd is to throw stones at the victim. However, it is very important that, “… no stone should be thrown that should kill with the first or second blow, or so small as a pebble to do no injury to the condemned.” (Hulagu's Web, 64) Stoning is a unique form of punishment in that there is no single executioner. The simplistic act of gathering the victim’s peers around him creates killers out of everyone.

Fact to Fiction: The Brutal Truth about the Practice of Stoning

Today, stoning is only practiced in Islamic culture in order to maintain the submission of its women and those in the lower cast. Only those impoverished or socially unimportant are punished by stoning. This barbaric act parallels those of the 4th century Theodosius who punished those who did not share his religious views. He ordered all non-Christian temples be destroyed and that all heathens be executed unless they convert. His decree now lives on in the hands of religious Islamic tyrants that now employ the brutal act of stoning. These acts of barbarism and violence far outweigh the moral transgression of those condemned.

Stoning has been in practice since biblical times. In the Old Testament, God is quoted as requiring stoning as a punishment for breaking one of the Ten Commandments, particularly for committing adultery. However, in the New Testament, Jesus is believed to have replaced that type of punishment for a more humane punishment. He is quoted as having challenged, “he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” This is why stoning has slowly been replaced with punishments that require less involvement of ones peers.

As we realize the impact of such a brutal death, we realize that we have no right to take part in killing another when we too have sinned. This imparting of sin on all those who partake in it is the very reason most cultures have abandoned the practice.

We already see a disintegration of the practice of stoning in Islamic culture. Only those under Sharia rule still practice it. In this culture, there is no distinction between religious and governmental law. Religion is governmental law. More information on Islam and Sharia law can be found at http://answering-islam.org.uk/.

Among the countries that still practice stoning are Afghanistan, Iran, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and the United Arab Emirates. Other Islamic countries denounce the practice as inhumane and indicate that the Qur’an provides no grounds for such a vicious practice. Those who practice stoning claim that it is demanded by Islam and have gone so far as incorporating it into their countries penal codes.

From these deep rooted laws regarding stoning, there have been a few recent cases of global interest where stoning has been received as a punishment. In December 2004 a woman in Iran was scheduled to be stoned to death after spending five years in prison for committing adultery. She was one of over 100 to be stoned to death in Iran last year alone. In Nigeria, a woman was sentenced to stoning after giving birth to a baby more than nine months after divorcing. To her good fortune, this sentence was overturned. More instances of recent convictions resulting in stoning can be found at http://www.religioustolerance.org/isl_adul1.htm. With international efforts to stop stoning, the rulings are being overturned with more frequency, hopefully giving less credibility to Sharia law.

David Hearne shows us a heart-wrenching account of a stoning in his book Hulagu's Web. He shows us that not only does the victim suffer the agony of the stoning, but also her anguish is unfelt by the executioners who relish their license to kill. “A spray of blood and spit now accompanies her cries of pain…The gore pleased [him], and he gleefully watched the proceedings to ensure that no one used a stone of the wrong size.” (Hulagu's Web, 64-65) Through this account we can see that the emotional involvement of crowd creates the wrong message. Instead of invoking fear of being stoned themselves, the crowd comes to enjoy a good stoning and thrives off of it. In this fashion, stoning is no longer a form of punishment, rather a form of entertainment that breeds murderers out of ordinary people.

For those doing the stoning, it is a social event that becomes more of a religious sport than a true act of moral self-righteousness. An actual video of a stoning can be viewed at http://www.iran-e-azad.org/stoning/. The footage taken in Iran illustrates a party like atmosphere of those carrying out the execution. It is reminiscent of the family picnics at the old Wild West hangings or the popularity of people watching the slaughter of gladiators in early Rome.

Like other diabolical methods of torture, stoning has gone out of style as society realized that having others participate in the punishment of another, even a criminal, devalues life. Stoning also creates fear and terrorizes the minds of others. The Guillotine, whipping, pouring acid on someone or gouging their eyes out with iron have all been gleefully practiced over the ages by zealots. Regardless of the how brutal, none of these punishments have stood the test of time. Even those founded in the name of religion have died out because they are cruel and inhumane.

As these diabolical methods have failed, it is important to note one punishment continually in practice: Jail. Imprisonment has been a popular form of punishment because having “…her face pulverized by the stoning,” (Hulagu's Web, 64) seems a little extreme no matter what the crime. Even though so many cultures have migrated towards this type of punishment, it is hard for westerners to understand why Sharia Muslims still sanction a punishment this inhumane.

As stoning is done in the name of Allah, Hearne has his character yelling “God is great.” (Hulagu's Web, 63) The crowd is egged on even more as they become more involved with the stoning. Perhaps the worst part about stoning is that it brings ordinary God fearing people to actually fear life itself. They are put into a perpetual state of fear such as Hearne’s Senator Laforge who imagines her own stoning in a nightmare. (Hulagu's Web, 63) Unable to let the memory go, people in these countries under Sharia rule cower and are plagued with fear of their life ending in such a brutal manner.

Stoning is an act of insanity and must be stopped. That humans should gather around and throw stones with the intent to take another human life is a hideous thought. Though fiction, David Hearne’s book shows us that an individual can be gripped with fear over governmental prosecution. It is the passion shown in his book that gives us cause and hope for change in the world.

For more information on joining the international fight against stoning, visit the following links:

[http://www.stopstoningnow.com/]

[http://www.free-minds.org/stoning.htm]

Fact to Fiction: The Brutal Truth about the Practice of Stoning

After traveling to over 20 countries, Brooke Sikula has finally settled down in Ventura, CA. She enjoys quilting, home improvement projects and spending time with her husband and 1 year old son. Brooke has a B.A. in History and Spanish and currently works as a freelance writer.

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Do You Know How To Deal With People Who Mock And Ridicule You?

FACT: The Entrepreneur Is Without “Honour” Among Those Who "Know" Him

One of the greatest realities you may have to face(there are exceptions, as is the case with everything in life), when you formally announce to the world that you have become an entrepreneur, is that you do NOT know many people you think you know, as well as you think you do.

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Godfrey Heron([http://www.irieisleonline.com]) in his Entrepreneur's Survival Checklist described this shocking experience quite accurately when he wrote that people you love - friends, relatives, your spouse - will openly doubt you and sometimes even "predict" your failure.

Do You Know How To Deal With People Who Mock And Ridicule You?

In their eyes, you are just the same person they have always known and grown up with. People close to us seem to find it easier to think of us in terms of our past failures and weakest moments - the growing up years, and all the mistakes we made while trying to discover ourselves. They often miss the tremendous changes that have taken place inside us following from those experiences, especially AFTER we left home and explored the outside world on our own.

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -- George Bernard Shaw

My personal experiences confirm this. People who know you always think if they cannot see in you the potential for success in what you say you want to do, then it has to mean you cannot possibly succeed in it. And they can be quite insistent in tying to make you realise this "fact" of theirs.

In the process of trying to get you to be "reasonable" and see the folly in trying to pursue what they consider the "impossible" goal you have set for yourself, some will resort to tactless attempts at humour, and in some cases, ridicule your ideas and efforts outright - especially when you begin to record failures(temporary defeats). Heron however assures that this does not mean they do not love you - it's something that just happens. Again, I agree.

Regardless of whether or not they love you however, I am of the firm opionion(based on personal experiences and extensive reading) that the truth is that their actions do not produce positive benefits of love. Napoleon Hill wrote about the psychologically destructive effect this kind of behaviour has on the person on whom it is inflicted, concluding that it often results in many men and women giving up on themselves and subsequently going through life with serious inferiority complexes.

There Will Be Exceptions!

As is always the case in life, there will be exceptions to the general situation I have described above. You may be lucky to have been born into a family of entrepreneurs, who have developed a culture of passing down entrepreneurial know-how from generation to generation. In that case, starting out in business, may not sound/look, to them, as "crazy" as wanting to take up employment in a corporate organisation for instance. In fact, NOT doing so probably would!

1. Learn To Quickly Identify And Deal With Two Common Groups :

But back to the situation under consideration in this article, in which people who know you mock and ridicule you for daring to take action to see your plans through. These people will often appear in different "groups", and it would help if you learn to quickly determine who belongs where, so as to be able to decide HOW to handle him/her.

A. Those who do it to your face. Some people like they were born cynical. They always know what can go wrong or will not work. As soon as they learn you want to do something new, they immediately come after you. People like this never feel happy until they have confronted you - gleefully - with their list of "Why it won't work" ideas. But at least they confront you, and let you know what they think and where they stand. You are able to quickly develop ways and means of avoiding them, so they do not wear you down with negativity.

To paraphrase Cynthia Kersey (from her book "UNSTOPPABLE 45 Powerful Stories Of Perseverance and Triumph from People Just Like You" ), allowing negative thoughts into your mind, will produce the same effect on your dreams as injecting poison to your bloodstream would have on you. That's why I like this group better than the next group I wish to describe.

Note: People in the above group may not always stop at talking. Sometimes, from observing your rate of progress,(especially when they think you might just prove them wrong, making them lose face in front of those they tried to impress by punching holes in your ideas), they could employ direct attacks on your person/projects to stop you from succeeding. It has happened before, and you would be wise to take necessary precautions - such as giving out as little information as possible about what you're doing until absolutely necessary.(Funny that I should be the one giving this kind of advice, since I tend not to apply it myself, and have suffered nee

B. Those who do it behind your back. Some people live lives of envy and deception. And so they never tell you what they think of you/your ideas to your face. They would rather tell others. When talking to you(and those they think favour you) they speak from both sides of the mouth. When they are with you, they are all sympathetic to your cause and courteous to a fault. They make a habit of calling you ever so often to ask how you're getting on, and you find yourself telling your spouse and others how wonderful they are.

On occasion they would even contribute materially to your cause(e.g. by helping to raising capital etc). In this latter scenario, the saying "Not everyone that puts dirt on your head is your enemy, and not everyone that helps you remove dirt from your head is your friend" should be kept in mind. People being described here would do this, to gain your trust, and get closer to you. While with others, they play safe by sitting "quietly" on the fence where it concerns you, in a way they hope you will not notice. They stay close to you so just in case you succeed they can claim to have been part of it.

But they ALWAYS leave themselves enough room to wash their hands off you, if - as most others expect - you end up falling flat on your face. Either way, they never have your interest at heart, and are often in it for what they can get out of their relationship with you to make themselves look good in front of others.

Then one day you accidentally over hear them leading a series of hilarious jokes in which you are the main "object of ridicule". That's when you realise that all the time they spend with you is aimed at learning what your latest failures are, so they can return to tell others what they learnt using the privileged access they have to you. And it would hurt so much(I've been there before!). You owe yourself a duty to quickly discern these kind of people and avoid them.

2. What You Can Do To Deal With People Who Mock/Ridicule You

You may find one or more of the following ideas useful dealing effectively with those who mock and ridicule you, without your having to break anyone's bones :-).

A. Have a "Guiding Philosophy" to help you stay focussed on your goals, and also nurture your self-belief. Read my article titled "Practical Guiding Philosophies For Entrepreneurial Success" for a detailed discussion on this subject.

B. Stay FAR Away From Them: Burt Dubin challenges each person pursuing a valued goal to demand nothing less than "integrity" from everyone s/he associates with. Not to do so, he explained, would be a recipe for failure. His advice for dealing with those who fall short? Simply do away with such persons. Break the relationship. Cut off the links. Stay away subsequently - for the sake of your dreams.

Here's a true story to illustrate. In a separate article titled "Why You May Want To Rejoice When Others Mock You!", I narrated the true story of Robert Goddard, the scientist who pioneered research into rocket science, leading to the launch of the space age. In it I described how Goddard, as a result of repeated mockery and ridicule of his published theories about how rockets could be built to fly into space, chose (with the backing of a financier) to continue his work in a more private location, away from the prying eyes of nosy locals, colleagues, and most especially - journalists.

Goddard went on to record significant breathroughs, that proved his theories were correct. Decades later, he would get credit for his work(though posthumously), in addition to an "editorial apology" rendered by a major newspaper that had rubbished his ideas nearly five decades earlier!

John Johnson, the founder of Ebony Magazine reportedly fired any employee who said his goals could not be achieved. Bill Payne(in preparing for the Los Angeles Olympics) deliberately avoided contact with anyone who questioned the feasibility of projects he initiated. Most of the authors of the books from which these insights were gained, agree that associating with (or remaining accessible to) negative people can result in the slow but certain death of your dream.

C. Have Dignity In Your Difficulty/Adversity: Never let the difficulties or hardship you encounter defeat you psychologically. To ensure you achieve success, it is imperative that you hold on to your self-belief. No one is ever defeated until s/he has accepted defeat as a reality. This means even when a person has failed so many times, till s/he can no longer keep count, it would not be enough to make him/her feel like quitting.

Evidence of your self-belief would be your ability to hold your chin up, and walk with a straight back even when you have to meet/face those you know look down on you because of your current circumstances. Most people who allow their fears to keep them from venturing beyond their comfort zones to chase their dreams, will draw attention to your "suffering"(and conveniently overlook smaller successes you have already recorded) in a bid to justify themselves. Their resort to mockery and ridicule, can lead to the person on the receiving end of it developing an inferiority complex. You must NEVER let that happen to you!

Show that you have dignity in your adversity by speaking assertively/with confidence to ANYONE you meet, even when they laugh in your face - ESPECIALLY when they laugh in your face!! James Cook assured that a good sign that you are on the right track will often be when your ideas are doubted or scorned by those you share them with. You are unlikely to find people who think the way you do in the majority - at least not until you have proved yourself right.

D. Fight Back IF Necessary: In certain instances, some of these people will launch direct attacks on your person - particularly if they feel your rate of progress suggests you could succeed, and possibly make them lose face before those they have told you cannot succeed. For instance, they could deliberately begin to spread falsehood about you to others.

In my experience however, this would be a sign that you ARE doing well - hence their desperation to stop you. If that was not the case, if they were so sure that you were wrong, why would they bother to commit their effort and time to stopping you at this stage? If/when this does happen to you, weigh the options carefully, and if necessary do NOT hesitate to fight back - intelligently. An example of how you can fight back, may be to deliberately publicise their actions in a way that will make others criticise them openly(they seldom like that, and will often scurry into hiding and become silent!). Do a little creative thinking here, including exploring ways to inject what I like to call "wicked humour" :-) into your plan implementation. Some good ideas will come to you.

"Man who says it cannot be done, should not get in the way of man who wants to do it" - Chinese Proverb

E. Never Do Anything You Would Be Scared For Others To Discover. Use this self-check rule to decide. If you know what you are about to do is something you would be ashamed to tell ANYONE else about, then DO NOT do it. This is quite simple, yet we human beings can struggle with it sometimes. Maybe it's because, as they say, "Stolen Water tastes sweeter". That's why people get caught in fraudulent deals or immoral acts(e.g. extra marital affairs) even though all their lives they've been told doing these things would be bad, and have seen/heard how many others destroyed themselves by failing to heed the many warnings!

Once you have a secret(s), your life changes forever. You will always worry about how to keep others from learning about it(them). Then one person does, and begins using it against you, and it can often get worse with time. A person who wants to ridicule you would gleefully reveal as many bad things s/he knows about you to others. What's worse, you are unlikely to be able to really put up any decent resistance or defence. People who believe in you would be devastated. Those who consider you a role model would lose hope.

Please, do not have any dark secrets(or skeletons in your cupboards) - else you WILL become ripe for even more relentless attacks from people who want to mock and ridicule you. Then most of what is offered in this article will be completely useless to you.

"You will need to stand on an unshakeable pedestal of integrity to achieve authentic, lasting success in any area of endeavour" - Tayo K. Solagbade

3. Mockery, Ridicule And Rejection Sometimes Have Their Benefits - But...

I have read a number of accounts about the lives of some successful people who overcame great adversity and rejection to become successful in their chosen ventures. In a number of these cases, the persons concerned mentioned that the constant rejection, and mockery by others propelled them to work harder so as to prove wrong those who made fun of them. There is the story of an individual whose success came out of a drive to remove the stigma of having had acne as a kid.

One could argue that without the mockery and ridicule from onlookers, friends, relatives and associates, the entrepreneur may not have been driven hard enough to achieve his/her eventual success. Maybe this could have been true for some entrepreneurs, but overwhelming research evidence has shown very clearly that for the majority of human beings, the exact opposite will yield even better results.

An elaborate study of the literary accomplishment of some alumni of the University of Wisconsin, twenty years after they they had graduated provides proof that the assertion made in the above paragraph is true. Read Ted Engstrom's account - in Chapter Twelve of Zig Ziglar's book "Over The Top" - of the true story about two student groups who named themselves "Wranglers" and Stranglers" respectively.

Briefly, both were groups of young literary talents who regularly met to read/critique each other's work. The Wranglers - were all women, and the Stranglers, men. But that was where the similarity ended.

The Wranglers reviewed and gave feedback/criticism to each other using positive, encouraging and gentle language (attributes of emotionally intelligent people) for every member alike. In contrast, meetings between the Stranglers were characterised by harsh criticisms, literarily tearing each other's work apart, and giving little or no encouragement for those who failed to meet the exacting standards set.

Twenty years later, the study showed a distinct trend. None of the Stranglers had recorded ANY noteworthy literary achievement, while the Wranglers had more than five accomplished writers in their ranks - some had even won national recognition - like Majorie Kinnan Rawlings, author of "The Yearling".

The morale of the above is that, to help each other achieve our full potentials, the BEST way is to work in an atmosphere of positive cooperation and NOT negative competition. We need to build one other up in ways that will help individuals overcome their inadequacies and consolidate their strengths. Beating each other down, and creating feelings of self-doubt and fear does more damage than good. In competitive sports, we all know that many times the losing individual, if s/he continues hearing cheers of encouragement from the fans in the stands, could draw inspiration from THAT to turn the tables on the opponents even when the latter appears to have victory within his/her grasp.

Lastly, in the regard, I say this. You can kill a fly with a hammer - or use a swatter. The same result would be achieved, but the damage from using the swatter(if any!) would be much, much less. In essence I am saying that NO matter how much good these practices have done in terms of "motivating" some people to succeed in the past, so as to "spite" those who made fun of them, I believe mockery and ridicule are bad for the mind! In pursuing your coveted goal, learn to quickly identify those who love to mock and ridicule others, and STAY away from them. To do otherwise could mean the certain death of your dreams.

4. A Few Words Of Advice For Those Who Mock/Ridicule Others

Anyone reading this article can easily identify areas where s/he may have been guilty of the habits described. I will offer this piece of advice to you. If you want to help any member of your family - or a friend - get ahead in life in any chosen endeavour, start TODAY to see their good sides, and help them overcome, or better manage their not-so-good sides.

When you tell your brother (after he tells you his dream) that he’s too short to play in the school’s senior team, you are not doing anything that helps him. But when you challenge him to believe that he can do it, and go out of your way to help him achieve it, then you will ultimately help him develop a stronger spirit that could cause him to achieve just that or more.

We need to strive always to exert positive influences on others. We must stop putting others down. We must avoid laughing at others when they tell us what they hope to achieve. For any person to consciously decide to set a challenging goal or target in life for him/herself is indeed noble. So many others go through life without any goals at all, and live lives of “total anonymity”.

We need to learn to keep our skepticism/criticism in check around people who have differing ideas of their purpose in life from us. Not every child/person will be as strongly driven as others who have succeeded in the past. That does not mean that the “ideas” s/he has will not be as good or even better than any this world has so far seen. Too many ideas have been killed before the “owner” had a chance to even explore them further, just because one narrow minded and tactless “realist know-it-all” chose to ‘”advise” the person. We need to create a more suitable environment for entrepreneurial abilities and creativity to flourish in our societies.

5. Know This: Mockery and ridicule CANNOT stop an idea that will work!

“A global, twenty-four hour news network will never work.” - Network executives response to Ted Turner’s plans for CNN

The above quote provides a perfect ending for this article. Network executives, who would have been regarded as "experts" with the necessary professional competence, to accurately assess the potential benefits of Ted Turners' ideas failed to see any future for it. But Turner(thankfully) did, and today virtually everyone who watches TV knows CNN is a World Leader in news coverage.

If those "expert network executives" could have been THAT badly wrong, does it not follow that what PEOPLE say need not bother or deter you - EVEN IF they mock and ridicule your idea? The answer is obvious.

Do You Know How To Deal With People Who Mock And Ridicule You?

---------------

Self-Development/Performance Enhancement Specialist – Tayo Solagbade - devotes his time to exploring new frontiers of Self-Development Education, especially as it relates to showing people what they can do by themselves, for themselves to achieve their set goals - DESPITE the limitations of their circumstances or environment. Download your copy of his 25 Articles Ebook and other information products from http://www.lulu.com/sdaproducts.

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Wiccan Invocations, Chants and Prayers

An Invocation is the calling of a God or Goddess. Wiccan witches work with the Gods and Goddesses for their universal energies to provide balance in the magical rituals. The balance is important with male and female, yin and yang, two energy sources to provide harmony and the correct direction of the channeled energy. Invocations can be as simple or as complex as you desire. Gods and Goddesses can be invoked with herbs, numbers, colours even images, and at certain times of year corresponding to the lunar or solar cycle.

Invocation of the Elements

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Air, Fire, Water, Earth, Elements of Astral birth, I call you now, attend to me.

Wiccan Invocations, Chants and Prayers

In the circle rightly cast, Safe from psychic curse or blast, I call you now, attend to me.

From cave and desert, sea and hill, By wand, blade, cup and pentacle, I call you now, attend to me.

This is my will, so mote it be!

These prayers below can be utilized to invoke the Goddess and God during ritual following the casting of the circle. You can change the words as you see fit. These are related to one specific deity but "All the Gods are one God; and all the Goddesses are one Goddess, and there is one initiator." You could also use the chants to raise energy levels.

Invocation to the Goddess

Crescent One of the starry skies, Flowered One of the fertile plain,

Flowing One of the ocean's sighs, Blessed One of the gentle rain.

Hear my chant 'midst the standing stones, Open me to your mystic light.

Waken me to your silver tones, Be with me in my sacred rite!

Invocation to Pan

O Great God Pan, Beast and man, Shepherd of goats and Lord of the Land,

I call you to attend my rites, On this most magical of nights.

God of the wine, God of the vine, God of the fields and god of the kine,

Attend my circle with your love, And send Your blessings from above.

Help me to heal, Help me to feel, Help me to bring forth love and weal.

Pan of the forests, Pan of the glade, Be with me as my magic is made!

Isis Invocation

Isis of the Moon, You who are all that ever was,

All that is, And all that shall be.

Come veiled Queen of Night, Come as the scent of the sacred lotus,

Charging my circle, With love and magic.

Do descend upon my circle, I pray, O Blessed Isis!

Prayer to the Horned God

Horned One of the wilderness, Winged One of the shining skies,

Rayed One of the splen'drous Sun, Fallen One of the Samhain cries.

I call amidst the standing stones, Praying that you, O ancient One,

Will design to bless my mystic rites, O fiery Lord of the Blazing Sun!

New Moon Chant to Diana

Waxing, waxing, growing, growing, Diana's power is flowing, flowing. (Repeat)

Call to the God

Ancient God of the forest deeps, Master of beast and Sun,

Here where the world is hushed and sleeps, Now that the day is done.

I call You in the ancient way, Here in my circle round,

Asking that You will hear me pray, And send Your Sun force down.

Invocation to the Goddess

Gracious Goddess, You who are the Queen of the Gods,

the lamp of night, the creator of all that is wild and free,

Mother of woman and man, Lover of the Horned God and protectress of all the Wicca,

Descend I pray, With Your Lunar ray of power, upon my circle here!

Invocation to the God

Blazing God, You Who are the King of the Gods,

Lord of the Sun, Master of all that is wild and free,

Father of woman and man, Lover of the Moon Goddess and protector of all the Wicca,

Descend I pray, With Your Solar ray of power, upon my circle here!

Goddess Chant

Luna, Luna, Luna, Diana, Luna, Luna, Luna, Diana

Bless me, bless me, bless me, Diana, Luna, Luna, Luna, Diana. (Repeat)

Evening Chant to the God

Hail fair Sun, Ruler of day, Rise on the morn, To light my way.

(Said while watching the sunset)

Evening Chant to the Goddess

Hail fair Moon, Ruler of night, Guard me and mine, Until the light.

(Said while Moon gazing)

Goddess Chant

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Ooooooooooooooooooh, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu,

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

The vowels of the English Language. Pronounce A=Ah, O=O, U=Oo, E=E, I=eye. This rouses the psychic mind and produces Goddess awareness.

Thanks to Scott Cunningham for his Invocations, Prayers and Chants.

Wiccan Invocations, Chants and Prayers

Amethysthawke

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill - an' it harm none, do what ye will.

Blessed Be

Amethyst Hawke

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Water Pollution Problems: A Real Issue

Water pollution has always been a major problem to the environment. With industrialization in major areas and urban cities growing the water around them just keeps getting polluted. The sad part about the whole ordeal is that water pollution can be prevented in a lot of cases.

A lot of water pollution is caused by factories near rivers and lakes doing illegal dumping. This hurts wildlife because the pollution will flow down the river hurting plants and animals. In some cases it can be fatal.

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Another big form of water pollution comes from fisherman and yacht owners. People who are just out to enjoy the sun will throw their waste overboard or have a leaky engine. A lot of them don't care because it doesn't usually directly effect how their day is going to turn out.

Water Pollution Problems: A Real Issue

The nice thing is that if your boat is caught illegally dumping or not meeting basic standards you can be forced to pay a large fine. By putting laws such as these into effect water pollution has decreased some. However, it still isn't anywhere nears what it needs to be.

There have also been rules and regulations given to transport lines, especially concerning fuel tankers. When a fuel tanker ends up sinking it releases thousands upon thousands of gallons of fuel into the ocean. This fuel gets all over marine life and can cause serious damage to beaches and coral.

Another type of water pollution comes from farmers. When they spray their fields the fertilizer and insecticides can soak into the ground and get caught in a water system or river. This will then in turn hurt plant and animal life because the waterways are being poisoned.

If you think water pollution doesn't affect you then you are wrong. The pollution ends up hurting nature and poisoning fish that we may eat. On a more direct approach it can even pollute drinking water.

With so many bad side effects of water pollution it is a wonder that there isn't more being done to prevent it. The general public needs to learn more information about it so that they can learn to fight it and keep the waters clean.

Water Pollution Problems: A Real Issue

Visit our blog, World Water Awareness, to learn more: http://worldwater1.blogspot.com/

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2012 End of World - Safest Places to Hide

Where are you going to go when the 2012 end of world doomsday, unfortunately, comes to fruition? Where will you be hiding? How are you going to determine the best places that can provide shelter for you, in the face of volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis and other deadly catastrophes? Have you ever thought of that? If you haven't, then by 2012 you'll most probably be dead. But don't worry! This article contains the five safe places you can go to just in case the world turns crazy and spins out of control.

The 2012 end of world doomsday is only three years away and panic has ensued in most areas worldwide. Many fear that it will be the end. If the environmental prophecies come true there are some "safe havens" that could remain intact during the havoc.

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5th Safest Place on the Planet: The Himalayas

2012 End of World - Safest Places to Hide

The obvious reason for this is that it is the highest location on Earth, so any threat of tsunami or volcanic activity is instantly shut down. However, there is one, itsy bitsy tiny catch: how to get there. Only the best of veteran mountain climbers have ever gotten the chance to step on top of the entire world, and many people died climbing Mount Everest, so our chances of even surviving just traveling to this survival location is very little. This could have been easily the top safest place on the planet if not for the accessibility issue.

4th Safest Place on the Planet: China

China as a nation is well high above sea level, has more than ample resources and manpower to build many survival bunkers, and isn't prone to seismic or volcanic activity. Some of China is also landlocked, which means very little chance for water-related catastrophes to occur. Of course, we're talking about 2012 end of world doomsday here, a lot of things can happen, but on a theoretical level, China is one of the safest countries to live in on Earth should it be destroyed.

3rd Safest Place on the Planet: Sierra Nevada

Europe on 2012 is a very miserable place: it will sink in water, has extensive nuclear facilities that could blow off together, and has very many volcanoes, a few with the most destructive effects ever. Sierra Nevada, a southern mountain range known for its skiing sites, is a paradise for those seeking apocalyptic safety in Europe. It has high peaks, reachable by road, and can provide for adequate shelter and materials for comfortable living amidst the catastrophes abound. Unfortunately, the higher areas are either popular ski resorts or government-owned property, and most of these lands are very expensive to acquire. But it is still a viable place to live in for those who are in Europe and is preparing for the 2012 end of world doomsday.

2nd Safest Place on the Planet: Arizona, USA

Yep, you read that right. Many people think that USA is going to be totally obliterated come December 21, 2012, but the thing is the country's position has been diagnosed collectively, not state-to-state. Arizona, in this regard, is considered the safest place in the USA for an apocalypse. Arizona contains many highlands, which will be the safest place should a pole shift occur, and add to that the fact that it's in America, a country that will be looked upon for help by other countries.

THE SAFEST PLACE ON THE PLANET: Africa

Nobody can ever question this penultimate truth. Africa has been, and is still is, the safest place on the planet. It is the most stable continent, unchanged for millions of years, and it has shifted very little compared to the other continents. Africa has the least number of fault lines and has a negligible volcano count. Though not every place in Africa is conducive for survival, all you need to find are African plains with altitudes 2,300 meters above sea level to be assured of safety.

Geographically, Africa may very well be paradise here on Earth. The biggest drawback is that Africa as a continent is immensely underdeveloped. It has poor infrastructure, has inadequate means of transportation and is home to fatal diseases such as leprosy, malaria and cholera. If someone wants to prepare Africa for the 2012 end of world events, he couldn't do so in time. Add to that the pressure of current political instability in some disputing nations; the viability of Africa becomes lower. But just as it is, if people unite to truly conquer 2012 and set aside differences and prejudices, Africa can become the very cradle of a new civilization that is destined to grow after the whole world suffers the damages of the 2012 end of world Armageddon.

2012 End of World - Safest Places to Hide

Feel free to visit for more 2012 Articles.

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Strange Biblical Facts

This list of strange facts, contain information you may have missed in the Bible. Or maybe you have read them before, but the fact has since slipped your mind - either way, I do hope you enjoy these, and maybe learn something new!

Solomon had 700 wives, 300 concubines, and 12,000 horses.

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(Could you imagine having to be responsible for that big of a family?)

Strange Biblical Facts

Noah was 600 years young when he built the ark, and 950 years old when he died. Genesis 7:6 and Genesis 9:29

(I need to start taking Biblical Hyssop! You know it must be good, if Moses was able to build an ark when he was 600 years young).

Manna tasted like honey wafers. Exodus 16:31

(Wouldn't it be wonderful if Manna fell from the skies, now-a-days? It sure would solve a lot of the world hunger problems).

In ancient Israel, men closed a deal by exchanging sandals. Ruth 4:7

(I hope they had the same size feet!)

After Moses was given the Ten Commandments, he wore a veil over his face because he glowed. Exodus 34:33-35

(How glorious it will be to be in the presence of the mighty 'I AM!')

Psalm 117 is the shortest book in the Bible with only two verses.

(Psalm's is one of the most beautiful books in the Bible- both Old and New Testament!)

Adam was 930 when he died. Genesis 5:5

(Can you even imagine living half that age? Wow!)

Jesus had many names: Immanuel, Alpha and Omega, Bright and Morning Star, Good Shepherd, I Am, King of Kings, Lamb of God, Master, Prince of Life, Root of Jesse. Revelations 1:11, 22:16, 19:16, John 10:14, 8:58, 1:29, 38, 15:1, Acts 3:15, Isaiah 11:10 And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

(Jesus is Lord! Praise Him!)

Luke was a medical doctor. Colossians 4:14

(With the Healing Power of God on his side)

Lydia was a saleswoman. Acts 16:14

(I don't ever think of women having an outside job, back then. Do you?)

Did you know when Jesus died, saints rose from the dead and walked around Jerusalem? Matthew 27:52-53

(I bet that made the unbelievers think twice!)

Animals have to answer to God, too! Genesis 9:5

(Isn't that a wonderful thought!)

Paul was beaten five times and shipwrecked three times. 2 Corinthians 11:24-25

(Poor guy. He did go through heck!)

The three magi were never actually at the traditional manger scene. They saw Jesus a little later at Joseph and Mary's house. Matthew 2:11

(This is one of those facts I always seem to forget)

The iron point alone on Goliath's spear weighed about fifteen pounds! 1 Samuel 17:7

(Imagine the strength he had to have, to be able weild such a spear!)

Joseph was 17 when his brothers sold him to the Ishmaelites. Genesis 37:2

(God is amazing, isn't he? Just to think Joseph had to go through all of that, to fulfill God's ultimate plan! Never doubt the power of God- He always knows right where we're at and why. Even at our darkest moments)

The Gospel of Mark reveals that Jesus had brothers and sisters.

(Quite a few, at that)

The term 'scapegoat' comes from the use of a goat that was to receive the sins of the people and be released into the wilderness. Leviticus 16:10

(Isn't it amazing that the saying, scapegoat, has been around since BC?)

Moses was four months old when Pharaoh's daughter found him in a basket. Acts 7:20-21

(Another awesome sign of God's miraculous plan)

In Old Testament times people wore a sack- cloth so other people would know they were in mourning. 2 Samuel 3:31

(Appropriate attire for such a deep-seated emotion)

Locusts, Katydids, Crickets and Grasshoppers were considered clean food for the Israelites. Leviticus 11:22

(I hope I never get in a situation where I have to eat insects to survive! UGH!)

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

(I LOVE this scripture! It's wonderful to know how intimately God knows us. It's beyond comprehension!)

Amen means, "so let it be."

(That's beautiful)

It didn't rain in the Garden of Eden, or out of it for that matter. Water came up from the ground to make things grow. Genesis 2:5-6

(Wondrous! Although, I am glad it rains now. I do enjoy watching a good down pour- just as long as it's not severe)

Most of the plagues in Egypt were brought on with the staff God gave Moses.

(God used the simplest tool to perform the most terrifying plagues)

Anna was an 84-year-old prophet who praised God for the baby Jesus at the Temple in Jerusalem. Luke 2:36-38

(Do you think she knew of the things which had to come to pass?)

After the resurrection, Jesus was on earth for 40 days. Acts 1:3

(That had to be the most beautiful sight)

Once, while Ezekiel was sitting in his house, a big hand picked him up by the hair of his head and took him somewhere between heaven and earth. Ezekiel 8:3

(Could you imagine seeing- or better yet, experiencing this action? WOW!)

Elijah stretched himself over a widow's son three times to bring him back to life. 1 Kings 17:21

(God answered Elijah's plea to bring the son's widow back, after all- it was them who saved Elijah)

Joel means, "The Lord is God."

(I wish I would have known that when I had my son. Beautiful)

Psalms 119 is the longest book in the Bible with 176 verses.

(That's a book by itself! But what a wonderful read!)

Leah said, "My husband didn't love me very much, was it because my eyes were weak?" Genesis 29:16

(Maybe it had something to do with being deceived from the very beginning)

I hope you enjoyed these facts. Why don't you pick up your Bible and see what unusual facts you can come up with?

Strange Biblical Facts

Artisan Jewelry Designer and Writer: http://www.bonanzle.com/inspired

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Top 5 Ways to Make a Woman Irresistibly Attracted to You

If you want to attract women, you have to think like a salesman. Know what your clients want, and tune your product--that's you--to fit the clients' needs.

In order to do that, you have to do the same thing all marketers do to capture people's interest with their products: develop killer PACKAGING. Hey, let's face it: women judge men based on looks. And who can blame them? Before they can get to know you, they only have visual things to judge you on: your clothes, your height, your body language, your status. We men are just like any other product: in order to sell well, we need great packaging!
It all comes down to women's evolutionary instincts: find the best mate for them and their unborn children. How do they do this? By seeing which men are strong, which ones are successful, and which ones have high status.

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While times have changed, still these instincts remain. One evolutionary scientist, Dr. David Buss, did a study of over 10,000 people in 37 countries, on six continents, and found that women value men based on three big things: ambition, status, and financial resources. Similarly, relationship expert, Andrea P. Roberts, suggests that women determine a man's worthiness based on 3 "T's", or "takais," a Japanese word that represents good qualities: education level, physical height, and salary level. Quite a bit deeper than having a nice ass and big
breasts, isn't it?

Top 5 Ways to Make a Woman Irresistibly Attracted to You

Okay, some of you may be thinking: Well, I'm not tall, and I'm not rich. Now what?!?

The good news is, height and wealth aren't the be-all and end-all of attraction; they're just aids to success. It's similar to saying you want a really expensive car...but that doesn't mean you'd never drive a Honda. In fact, for a lot of people (including women!), when you learn that Hondas have better mileage than Hummers, they can be more attractive! As Roberts writes, "even an ordinary man doesn't have to be exceptionally rich or powerful to make women want him. It's all a matter of the women's perspective if he ends up taller, smarter or wealthier than them."

Got that? It's all about perspective: how you market yourself successfully to a woman. Hey, lots of people know that Creative MP3 Players are better quality than I-Pods, but that doesn't seem to stop Apple from selling I-Pods like hotcakes, does it? So if you're short, or of average income, but present your positive traits in the right way, it won't matter: you'll become the I-Pods of men! As Roberts writes, "Think of Napoleon, Mickey Rooney or Groucho; they are humorous, artistic or politically powerful men who wooed women into their beds and, horizontally, the height issue wasn't a factor. Polite and persuasive persistence is the best trait."

So what we have are five areas that we must market effectively if we want to spark an initial attraction from women. After that, it's up to you to show what a great guy you are: let her know you're special, unique, one of a kind. That's what makes you...a best-seller!

1. Ambition

From an evolutionary stand-point, this one makes complete sense. Think cavemen and cave women in the Stone Age, with some of the weaker cavemen seeking a higher station in the tribe. Who do you think the cave women went for? The men who hobbled along meekly in the bottom of the order...or the men who strived for more and sought a higher place in the pack? Much of a woman's desire to be with a man who is ambitious and seeks success, is based simply on survival: The more powerful the man, the more likely she'll survive and live well. Logically, going for a guy who has no ambition means she's likely to live in poverty and struggle. Not very appealing, is it?

So you have to present yourself as a guy who's not satisfied with his station in life. This is good for both you and her. If you're making an hour at McDonald's and are content to stay there, not many women are going to be attracted to you. But if you're making an hour and working your ass off to own your own franchise, taking business classes at night so you can learn how to run a business: well, suddenly you're not so bad-looking! Believe me, women will give men a chance, they want to give men a chance--as long as they see potential. Know that quote, "Behind every great man is an even greater woman"? Show you've got potential and direction, and you'll get that great woman.

2. Status

Again, evolutionary instincts of survival make women naturally attracted to men of high status. High status=good living for herself and her children. Fortunately, projecting high status does not have to be difficult; according to Roberts, "Wearing the right clothes, especially nice shoes, can go a long way toward portraying wealth. Taking on the unshaken or unworried attitude of wealthy men can project affluence. Hesitant, irresolute, bland men come across as having lower incomes and being less reliable." Got that? You don't have to be a powerful, articulate man yourself-you just have to project similar qualities.

Some of these qualities include:

* Not putting yourself down. Without being a braggart, talk positively about your accomplishments, job position, and possessions-even if they're not much. If you treat things as a big deal, other people will, too. Conversely, if you downplay your accomplishments and character, women will, too. Your attitude is contagious, so make sure it's an enthusiastic, enlivening one that people enjoy.

* Act like you deserve good women. Don't let women assume a higher status than you. Show them that YOU are the one with higher status. You can do this in a number of ways, including not acting impressed by a woman's beauty or career (say, she's a model); teasing her about her clothes or makeup; and asking her to buy you a drink. Chances are she won't, but just by acting like you deserve it, you raise your status! She's not such an untouchable goddess in the end.

Remember, as well, that women want to EARN a man; they relish the challenge of luring in a winning catch. So play hard to get: talk to other girls, say you've got to be leaving just when things are going well, don't immediately ask for her phone number. If you act like a man who can have his pick of women, then chances are, you will!

* Knowing people of high status. This is a great one. Get to know the people of power: the club owners, bartenders, maitres'd. Position yourself as a sociable person who's in the know. When a woman sees you getting special treatment and chatting with high-status people, she'll see right away that you're someone of importance. It will also reduce the importance of the other factors, such as height, money, and ambition; immediately you've proven yourself valuable.

* Social proof/Female acquaintances. Hey, nothing says, "This guy's attractive" than having females around him. Of course, the hotter they are, the hotter you look, but even just having average-looking female company can only help: it shows women that other women are interested in you. Do your best to get your female friends and family (sisters, cousins) to come out with you. It's social proof, and it works!

* Wearing nice clothes. "When a man is well dressed," writes communications expert, Leil Lowndes, "it signifies his ability to provide for her offspring." You don't have to be rich and powerful to wear nice clothes. You just have to show that you're a man of quality, a man headed towards somewhere who pays attention to dress (something women cna never get enough of). Formal clothes, such as a suit, convey that you are serious about success; you desire good things. So just by wearing a nice sports jacket, dress shirt, and slacks, you let a woman know you're a man with status. You're a man who could provide for her and her children.

The colors you wear are vital: Studies show that red, burgundy, and black clothes convey high status. So get yourself some slick black suits or formal wear, a red shirt, and one of my favorites (and girls'!), a sleek burgundy button-down shirt. They all convey regality and strength.

In the case of red, you have the added bonus of sexuality, power, and dominance: definitely good qualities to portray! Go and purchase a nice red polo shirt, or red tie for your suit.

If you enjoy white clothes-the color of purity and cleanliness-then make sure you work on your TAN. White clothes against a dark backdrop make you look exotic, sexy, and well-travelled. You don't have to be an jet-setting playboy, to look like one!

* Winning body language. Women judge men by the way they move and position themselves; it's part of their superior communication skills to know what a man is thinking or feeling based on his body language. So, position yourself in the right way: don't slouch, sit upright, gaze at her knowingly, lean into her to initiate intimacy. I've got a great column on body language that will teach you the right ways-and the wrong ways-to project high status.

3. Financial Resources
According to Matthew Fitzgerald, "Studies with college coeds show that when shown photographs of men dressed in high-status uniforms, ties, expensive watches, etc.) and low-status uniforms, these women would be significantly more willing to enter into relationships with the more expensively-attired males regardless of the man's physical appearance. To a woman, attraction is simple: green is very good-looking."

Okay, so not every guy has money for expensive suits and watches, and materialism may not be part of your game. However, if you want to impress women, one of the fastest ways is by wearing snazzy clothes, sporting nice shoes (girls LOVE shoes!), and driving an expensive car. Especially when it comes to designer brands, women are VERY keen at spotting high-quality products. It's just part of their nature; with expensive possessions come high status and ambition, and a more comfortable lifestyle. Again, this all comes from their instinctual drive for survival and prosperity for themselves and their children. By owning the best, you become the best. At least on the surface.

Ultimately, if you want true love it's up to you to find women who share the same goals and values. If money and status aren't the most important things in life for you, don't chase the girls who do prioritize those things. Don't go for the shallow, bitchy types who only judge a man by how much he can spend on her.

4. Educational Level

Knowledge really is power, and on top of that, it's an aphrodisiac! Gone are the days when being smart was acquainted with being a nerd; now, knowledge and intelligence are your friends. It's the easiest way to money, and the easiest way to success. So show it off a little. Let her know your TALENTS, your interests, your areas of special knowledge. As Roberts writes, "Women are drawn to experts like the Crocodile Hunter, Bill Gates and Chris Rock because they're experts in their industries." None of those guys is particularly good-looking, but they're good at what they do, and parlay their knowledge into success, which drives women wild.

A guy who's an expert is one who is clearly successful and of higher status. At the very least, having a special knowledge means you have the TOOLS for success, and can provide intellectual stimulation for a girl (which, unless she's a bimbo with an IQ of 70, is quite important for women).

Additionally, just being in school is a great way to show off your knowledge: "If you're in school, not only are there more women available, but you've already demonstrated to them that you're getting educated. Otherwise, it's up to you to come across as reliable and credible without making her feel dumb."

5. Physical Aptitude

Physical height alone is an easy way to catch a woman's attention, but it's not the only thing. Again, evolutionary mechanics come into play here. A man who is tall, strong, and athletic is more likely to fend off threats to the woman and her children. He is also more likely to have a strong immune system, which will further aid their chances of survival. So, you can't blame women too much for valuing these things: in the world of female attraction, it really is a survival of the fittest. Those who show women they are in shape and healthy are much more likely to survive the dating game! Ergo, athletes, bouncers, firemen get the girls.

As for height, it's all a matter of perspective. We've all seen short guys with tall beautiful women. Neil Strauss himself, the best of the best pickup artists, is just 5'6" yet gets more beautiful women than we can imagine. How? By believing in himself. By positioning himself as a man of high status. By not bowing down to women of greater height or beauty. And by being a guy women know is fun and energetic to be around. In short, he's got INNER GAME, and when you have that down, nothing can stop you. You may even find yourself dating women who are taller than you!

But remember, presenting a man who's healthy and strong, willing to stand up for himself and the girl in a fight: that's the kind of guy who women will go for, regardless of height. Did you know that men with strong immune systems give off pheromone scents that women are instinctively attracted to? If you pay attention to what you eat and go to the gym on a regular basis, you're going to build your immune system up, and attract women without even trying! So do it, and watch the number of dates you get, soar.

In the end, men are like books: women judge them by their covers. But inside is an even great story. So make your cover captivating, and you'll become a "best-seller" in no time!

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Positive Parenting Strengths

Chuck and Priscilla were at their wits' end. They are the parents of two teen-aged girls, and two younger boys. The eldest, Charlotte, is out-of-control. As each child approaches adolescence, they seem to become impossible. "We don't know what to do anymore!" Priscilla wails. "I do everything for them. Charlotte and Chuck fight constantly. He expects her to respect him, but she swears at him when he makes the slightest demand. Then he gets mad and starts yelling, and it's all over! She's a top student and athlete. Why won't she be more compliant at home? And now Gertie, my 13 year-old, is starting to act out. She talks back something fierce! The boys never do anything around the house. Their grandparents think they are all out of control. I don't know how much more of this I can take!"

Many parents feel confident in their skills while their children are little, only to wonder how it all got away from them as their kids reach the pre-teen years. And who are these strangers inhabiting their adolescents' bodies, and what did they do with the off-spring we knew, anyway?

World Wild News

Parenting is not the same as it used to be. Fewer families include a stay-at-home parent. Economically, most families need both parents to be in the work force. More women are single parents. The kids who are teens now were in daycare or otherwise looked after by people other than their parents. They don't see us as the arbiters of their lives or as the holders of all the keys, because we no longer are. As well, TV and computers have made information easily accessible by children - information that, just a few years ago, was the domain of adults. The way we protected children in the past from overwhelming material such as sexual images, disasters, and pictures of war-torn bodies, was to keep it unavailable. Now that is almost impossible. Children are traumatized by the news.

Positive Parenting Strengths

They are also feeling immense pressure to be involved in activities and interests that their peers and the media tell them they are ready for. Advertising, loosened standards in TV programs and movies, and the availability of adult content, are all making our children (and many parents, actually) believe that ten-year-olds should be concerned about deodorant, and engage in sexual behaviors.

We are all racing - kids and parents alike. Society runs at a much faster pace. Music, TV shows, sentence structure and pacing in books, magazines, even symphonies, have sped up drastically. There is an overwhelming amount of information bombarding us and demanding that we respond to it instantly. There is more information in one Sunday issue of the New York Times than in all the books that existed in the 16th century. We work longer, vacation less (in the USA), and are expected to be available by phone, hand-held, and computer 24/7. On top of all this, neighborhoods are not as safe as before. Gangs, drugs, and violence are not restricted to inner cities.

When parents come to me, often they want to reduce some unacceptable behavior in their child. Old parenting styles that many of us were raised with, were based on behavior control. They worked moderately well then, because children were more dependent on their parents. Today, the same methods often have wildly unsuccessful results, in that they spark dramatic reactions in our children that are often the exact opposite of what we hoped for. When parents now use a domineering tone, lay down the law, and are unaware of their child's point of view, while expecting instant and unquestioning obedience, pre-teens and teens often react with aggression or rejection in terms that we'd never have dared to use. We cannot focus simply on behavior cessation or our own comfort levels. There is nothing more silly and helpless than the feeling you get when you bellow, "You're not going anywhere until you clean your room!" and have the kid shoot you that who-are-you-kidding sneer and stalk out of the house. Parents feel shell-shocked and confused, and the children feel disrespected, misunderstood, and alone.

What we need now are the skills that will help our kids see us as their major support. We need to help them learn to navigate the world as it is today. They need to take risks within a reasonable range, learn from their mistakes within the safety of a family that knows the value of trial and error. We need to make sure that our families help young people think about situations, options, and consequences.

It is difficult to give up old patterns and to try new ones. The benefits are legion. As painful as the tumult often is in today's families, we can see it as an opportunity, if we view the chaos from within a positive psychology framework. We have the chance to lay a foundation for continued connection and understanding with our young children, to build real and lasting closeness with our adolescents, and in so doing, to work beyond some of the hurts we may still be carrying from our own childhoods, by learning to have more meaningful and warm relationships with our kids. It is so easy, in the face of kids' changing behavior and moodiness, to lose sight of the fact that we have wonderful skills. While they treat us as if we are clueless, ridiculous, and offensive, it is imperative that we maintain our own reality. The more we can maintain our own equanimity and center, the more they will acquire these same strengths, to help with the pressures that face them in years to come.

Priscilla and Chuck started by uncovering their assumptions about families, as well as the patterns they inherited from their own upbringings. We looked at the effects of these patterns on the present. Then we discussed what is causing their children to act the way they are. This information included normal developmental phases as well as how modern culture and environmental factors have accelerated kids' behavior. (It is not only a relief for parents to have more insight into their child's reality, it helps immeasurably in staying calm and in being understanding during conflicts, rather than reacting only to the surface behavior.)

Once the elements feeding into the tumult were uncovered, Priscilla and Chuck paused to remember why they wanted to have a family in the first place - the spiritual, loving, giving, connected, creative, nourishing reasons for generating and supporting life. Then they identified their signature strengths, as identified by the research in positive psychology spear-headed by Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman. We brainstormed parenting applications. Parents feel empowered to acknowledge and utilize their Values In Action (VIAs, as they are called) such as curiosity, loving, perseverance, genuineness, open-mindedness, kindness, leadership. For example, Priscilla has perseverance/diligence as a strength. We talked about how she could redirect it from doing all the chores and running herself ragged, to setting up job plans and following through with consistency. She could apply her strength to learning more about child development, new approaches to discipline, as well as putting more emphasis her own well-being within the family.

But the VIA signature strengths are not the only characteristics that parents have or need!
After working to upgrade my own parenting skills and helping many families, I
have identified a list of Positive Parenting Strengths (you could call them Values in Parenting - VIP's) that are explicitly helpful in family life. We have many of the Positive Parenting Strengths in abundance but don't always recognize them as valuable. As parents recognize these attributes and attend mindfully to expanding their use in situations, we feel more assured in our parenting. Increasing our reliance on these strengths also tends to give us more confidence in our communities and in work lives, as we see them help in all relationships.

The VIPs list is meant as an adjunct to the VIA list, so I have not replicated the many valuable parenting skills, such as authenticity, curiosity, love of learning in the original. The two can be used together to focus and enhance parents' efforts.

Here, then, is the list I propose as Positive Parenting Strengths (PPS's). These are skills that help parents of any aged child improve communication, feel more calm and confident, and maintain loving connections. Read through the Strengths and identify those which you recognize as your top five. Following the list are some exercises you may use to apply your strengths to sticky events in your family.

1) Staying Grounded

You are able to stop, breathe, and connect in with the lower half of your body, especially when you find yourself getting worked up. You settle, turn inward, and feel the energy moving in your abdomen, pelvis, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and feet. You feel your energy joining with the energy of the earth, so that you feel connected, rather than like a helium balloon that someone forgot to knot after blowing up. You stay internally present in difficult and emotional situations.

2) Centered

You have a strong sense of your true self, and you feel it as a place in which you reside in yourself. You have a clear experience of the distinction between your personality and your Being. You are good at gathering yourself, not being distracted, or pulled into self-judgment. When the going gets tough, rather than reacting by scattering or closing down, you make a point of staying open and self-aware. You know that being centered connects you to spirit and to well-being.

3) Empathic

You are able to see the world though your children's eyes. You see their feelings and reactions as valid, given their experience and level of development. When they have a hard time, you make an effort to reflect back to them an understanding of what it must be like for them. You look beyond rude behavior to try to see what is going on inside. If there is a situation that repeatedly drives you crazy, you make sure you take the time to imagine, not only what this situation must be like for them, but what it must mean, given their history. You are able to imagine the scenario as if you are in their body and mind, see what it means to them, and what gets stirred up. You gain insight that helps you modify future situations. Doing so frees you from feeling upset by their behavior and often leads to their being calmer and more open.

4) Communicator

You recognize that good communication is a skill and is not automatic. You think carefully, and in advance, what you want to accomplish in communicating with your children. You plan and practice communication patterns that elicit thoughtful and relatively calm interactions. You are good at orchestrating conversations that enable children to learn life skills. You know that it is much more important to ask questions than it is to provide answers. You help them, by asking questions, learn to think through situations, anticipate consequences, and consider alternatives.

You want them to learn how to work things out for themselves, so you work to control your emotional reactions to things that they might say, in order to reach the larger goals of open interaction, problem-solving, decision-making, self-confidence, and social skills.

Your strong points are paraphrasing what they've said, so as to make sure you heard correctly, asking questions about the topic and about their thoughts, feelings, responses and actions. "How did you feel then?", "What possibilities are there?" "What happened next?" "What do you want to do about it?" "Who could you talk to about that?" are your stock in trade. You love it when your kids surprise you by coming up with solutions that hadn't occurred to you.

5) Connector

You place a high value upon staying emotionally connected with your children, even when they act badly or when the two of you are having an argument. You stay present, authentic, and aware of your own feelings, as well as those of your child. You work at finding ways to maintain energetic and emotional ties with your child and stay with it to work things out, rather than giving up. If you need to take a break, you call a time-out, so that everyone has a chance to cool off, without anyone feeling rejected or shut out. If they come home in a bad mood, you let them have their chance to cool off, yet you maintain the sense inside yourself that you are together and that you love each other.

6) Educator

You remember that the goal of parenthood is to educate over time. You are able to keep in mind that growing up is a process, and that you are engaged in raising wonderful, normal, fallible humans, not robots. You can remember, even in the heat of the moment, that the present behavior is not as important as the lessons you want your children to learn, such as thoughtfulness, self-reflection, and problem-solving. You tailor your parenting to further the long-term goal and remember that education takes years and many steps, and that your children do not have to master adult skills instantly, just work toward them gradually.

7) Process expert

You know that the goal is not what is important. The journey is. It is in the process of everyday routines that life is lived and savored. You are comfortable with the messiness and incompleteness of the mundane. You keep you eye on what furthers the processes of family life - communicating, being, allowing, working through, tolerating, and the like. You are able to pull back from a situation and notice what is going on in the way that it is unfolding, which you often find more important than the topic. What is important to you is the way things are engaged in, more than the thing itself. You also relax and take time to be with your children while they are going through their processes, thereby helping them to be comfortable in the moment.

8) Acceptor

You really see who your children are - their strengths, weaknesses, the direction they are going - rather than being locked in a view of who you want them to be, or who you can tolerate them being. Much as you would like to raise a concert pianist, you appreciate and nurture your child's talent as a wrestler. You raise the child you have, in the way that they need, even if it is not your first choice. If your child needs firm, clear boundaries delivered in imperative sentences, even if you tend toward the gentle and talkative and like to ask for acquiescence, you rally yourself to provide structure in the way he or she needs.

9) Holder of Optimism

You hold in your heart, and therefore hold for your child, conviction of their potential, who they truly are, and who they can become. You remember that, if they are adolescent, their brains are changing and they are hormonally challenged. Even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary, you know that they really are the kind, caring, loving, skillful, intelligent people you remember from before. You keep reminding yourself of this, so that you don't think for too long that monsters have taken over their morphing bodies. You present a picture to them of their best selves. You know that, inside all their posturing, teens are very brittle, sensitive, unsure, confused about what is happening, of the new pressures, and of their own actions. You know that it matters to them, a lot, to see in your eyes the people they hope they are becoming.

10) Structure expert

You know that structure makes growth, opportunity, relationships, and achievement possible, that boundaries do not cut people off from each other, so much as they clarify, define, and protect. You are clear about your own boundaries and the areas of life that are impacted by boundary issues. You are clear who you are, and what your bottom line is in different areas. You take care of yourself, have clear limits, balance various areas in the way that works best for you and your family. You are able to be flexible, not rigidly adhering to dogma when unforeseen factors indicate the need to take a different approach. You communicate your expectations clearly in a way that each child can hear.

11) Equanimity

You remain contented and peaceful, even when those around you are having a hard time.
You take a deep breath and maintain the feeling of calm that helps storm-tossed children and teens to orient themselves. You do not cut yourself off from them in order to feel happy. You are present and available, without being pulled into their angst. You remember that things mostly work out for the best, even if they don't look as if they are going so well at the moment.

12) Autonomy

You see yourself as a unique individual, and you see your children and partner as individuals as well. You know you can stand on your own, and you stand up for yourself. You treat yourself compassionately regarding your shortcomings. You honor your history for the experience and wisdom you have gleaned from it. You have come to terms with pain in your past, so that when it is triggered in the present, you are not thrown into reactive behavior without catching yourself. You know you are responsible for your experience and your behavior. It is fine with you that other people are humans with strengths and weaknesses. You accept them as they are.

13) Sovereignty

You know that, ultimately, each person must depend upon themselves. You know that the best way to train children to be self-reliant is to treat them as individuals with rights to be treated respectfully and with honor, even when they make mistakes and are still learning, even when they screw up royally. As Elizabeth Cady Stanton said in 1892, in front of the Judiciary Committee of the U.S. Congress, "Nothing strengthens the judgment and quickens the conscience like individual responsibility. Nothing adds such dignity to character as the recognition of one's self-sovereignty; the right to an equal place, every where conceded; a place earned by personal merit." You know that teens feel badly enough about themselves, and that their shame escalates very quickly, if they feel reacted to as if they are despicable. You are committed to treating them considerately, honoring their boundaries, and responding to their difficulties in ways that teach deep respect through example.

14) Enthusiast

You love the many possibilities there are in life. You love to learn and are interested in many things. Through your enthusiasm, you turn your children on to the arts, the sciences, bugs, stars, microscopes, cooking, crafts, tap dancing, old movies, badminton, the colors in leaves. You sit on the porch and watch thunderstorms together. You ride your bikes down new roads. You keep having adventures even when they roll their eyes and are too cool to go with you, because you know that later it will be important for them to have seen their parents involved in activities. And anyway, it's your life that you're enjoying!

15) Fun-lover

You enjoy your children. Just hanging out with them gives you deep satisfaction. You play with them when they are young, introduce them to activities that you value, and join them in play that they find entertaining. As they get older, you are willing to be silly and to offer activities, and also to wait until they are ready to engage with you. You make watching their endless sports events fun for yourself and for parents around you.

16) Inspires creativity

You find great satisfaction in expressing yourself creatively. Even if your efforts won't win awards, you paint, dance, draw, play an instrument, try beading, or scrap-booking. You gather leaves and make collages to decorate the table. You enjoy making your home comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. You approach your work creatively, and your kids see you enjoying work because of it. When funds are low, you look for imaginative ways to meet your need. Your children expand their experience and their skills by engaging in creative activities with you and on their own.

17) Financially responsible

You live within your means. You do not go into debt unless it is absolutely necessary. If you do, you use credit wisely, and you have a plan to pay it off as soon as possible. You don't shop as a way of relieving feelings. You educate yourself about financial matters. You find creative ways to keep to your budget, and you save regularly. You help your children develop good saving, spending, and giving habits. You plan for a rainy day.

18) Emotional Savvy

You are really good at being with your emotions, when they are aroused. You don't hide from pain or discomfort, or self-medicate with food, cigarettes or other substances. (You do, however recognize that chocolate is one of the necessary food groups.) You take time to let feelings run their course, when they need attention. You are emotionally responsible. You are able to see when your reactions are about past events, and you make every effort not to project them onto present situations. If you find that you have reacted inappropriately, you explain to others that your mood is not about them, thereby showing your caring and empathic nature. You apologize when you have hurt someone. You know that, if you allow your feelings time to process themselves, and if you reflect on your old ways of looking at things, painful emotions will abate. You process your feelings, rather than trying to push them away.

You are comfortable with your child's feelings and see their outbursts as opportunities to empathize, educate, and be close. You are comfortable with your child's expressions of feelings and respond respectfully. You understand that children do not have all the social skills yet, and it is okay with you that they still have things to learn when it comes to tolerating and expressing emotion.

19) Partner

You work hard to have a warm, loving, respectful relationship with your co-parent, because that is the tone you want in your life. You know that working on your relationship models social skills for your children, as well as providing them with a loving parental team. You continue developing relational skills, because, as you get older, you see that new issues come up that give you opportunities to continue maturing and expanding. You know that growing does not stop at 20, and that people learn and grow in relationship, not in isolation.

20) Influencer

You know that no one can control anyone other than themselves. You know that trying to control your children only leads to disconnection and bad feeling. You know that controlling kids means controlling their behavior only, and that no one can dictate another's feelings or outlook. You remind yourself that, as long as you stay connected with your children, you have more influence with them than anyone, even their peers. You deal with your own feelings about their behavior and what they go through, as well as any helplessness or worry that you feel in consequence. You recognize that it is a wise person who tolerates her/his feelings. You help your children learn to center in themselves and tolerate their feelings, and to learn to give up on trying to control other people, events, and their surroundings.

21) Self-Care

You know that you cannot parent effectively if you do not take care of yourself. You model self-respect and self-confidence by paying attention to your own needs and limits. Rather than fly off the handle, you take times-out. You give yourself mini-vacations. You make sure you see friends and engage in activities that replenish you, because all of these activities improve your parenting and make parenthood enjoyable. You value your own boundaries and calmly set limits in order to ensure that others respect them also. You know the value of having the support of other parents, and even of laughing with them and letting off steam by telling benign stories of teen and toddler pranks, behind your kids' backs, of course.

22) Patience

You stay relaxed inside yourself, while life is messy around you. The little annoyances do not throw you. You are able to step back and take a larger view of events. You agree with Randy Pausch, the computer science professor dying of pancreatic cancer who gave a "Last Lecture" which has inspired thousands of people, who said that, if people disappoint you, just wait. If you give them enough time, they will bring forth their best selves. If you appreciate them and thank them for the good job you know they will do, they tend to rise to your expectations. As Nelson Mandela said, "It never hurts to think too highly of a person. Often they behave better because of it." You can wait while they learn social skills. You maintain your cool when things don't go according to plan.

23) Positive Outlook

And, most of all, you know that being a perfect parent would not be good for your children anyway. One of your jobs is to teach them to accept and value themselves as they are. You want them to feel positive about themselves, even though they mess up sometimes and are not great at everything. You want them to love life, even though life is difficult. You want them to feel confident in and about the world, even though the world is both awe-inspiring and terrible at times. You know that there are millions of ways to be a good parent, and so you celebrate your strengths and gather your children to you, to share your blessings and to help each other through the tough times. You remind yourself that trials build character. You breathe and laugh and center in yourself, for that is where the joy is - in your connection with yourself, with those you love, and with the natural world.

Okay, now that you have identified your top five VIP's, your PPSs, here are some exercises to help you apply them as you navigate the rocky waters of family life.

Try this #1: Spend some time thinking about your strengths. Notice how you use them and how they help you with your family. Keep them in mind and have confidence in them! See how you can use your strengths to enhance your patience, your empathy, and your optimism. Muse about them and come up with ways for them to help you be more effective, more relaxed, and to enjoy your parenthood more fully.

Try this #2: Remember a challenging occurrence in your home. (That wasn't hard, was it?) Now, pick one of your PPS's that you think might help in that situation. How could you use that strength to facilitate a different outcome? (When my preteen daughter started talking back at the drop of a hat, I found some time to myself and used my strength of empathy to imagine what our interchanges must be like from her perspective, given her experiences in life. A light bulb went on as I suddenly saw how easily deep feelings of loss seemed to be triggered for her. After that, I worked to remember how important our closeness was to her and to see her apparent outrage, not as insolence, but as a sign that she felt too shut out by the way I may have said something. I became more able to remain calm and loving in tone (not a skill under stress that I'd experienced with my parents!) which often led to her softening and continuing to interact with me.

Try this #3: You could also pick one PPS with which you would like to become more proficient, and grow it into a strength. To do so, focus on the strengths you already have. Research into positive psychology has shown definitively that the more you expand your use of your positive strengths, the more the ones you could use some work on improve - much more so than if you just wrestle to try to counter your "failings."

The more you bring your awareness to focus on your strengths, the more they will grow. Notice how you feel as you play with these exercises. Notice what great ideas you come up with, use them with your children and see how they respond.

Stanton quote is from: Solitude of Self

Address delivered by Mrs. Stanton before the Committee of the Judiciary of the United States Congress
Monday, January 18, 1892

Positive Parenting Strengths

Sarah Gillen, MA, LMFT, PCC, is has been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years. She is also a certified Family, Life, and Business Coach. She writes and lectures on many cutting edge topics affecting families, including adoption issues, pre-teens and teens, and behavioral difficulties with very young children. Ms. Gillen has two chapters in the upcoming book Women and the Pursuit of Happiness: Create Your Own Path through Positive Psychology, due out in August, 2008. Her next upcoming book is Uncover Joy: Beyond a Hurtful History to the Life You Were Meant to Live. She is also proposing a new child developmental phase called peri-adolescence, girls 8-10, boys 9-11.

You may reach her at Sarah@sarahgillen.com

http://SarahGillen.com

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